My first semester in the medical assisting program is wrapping up. This year is beginning to wrap up, too, so it is only fitting that I am wistfully pondering the nature of things.
Well, that, and the fact I fucked up my back last Thursday (Thanksgiving, for Mike’s sake!!) and have been on four different medications that all make me drowsy since.
I never realised how different it is to be in a vocational program versus a purely academic program. They are both challenging, but in separate ways. But, also, I felt like I had too much free time at the university; here I rarely have any. I was lucky to be in an academic program at school that challenged my “common sense” and personal philosophies all the time, but I also consider myself lucky to be in an environment that is not so cerebral. This is not to say there is no grass-is-greener feeling going on; I hated feeling stupid by talking about more concrete things while at the university, and I hate feeling weird and/or boring here, where I mostly gossip about other students (something I thought I would never do, how’s that for proof of society’s influence on the individual!) and talk about boyyyys.
I get along with my classmates, which is great. People around me say I am much happier in this program. I attribute this to being far separated from the things that made me sad all the time–ex-friends and exes–but also that I feel really accepted by this group. It has been an exercise in keeping my mouth shut most of the time; they have average opinions or knowledge about most things, which means their assumptions and opinions come from an erroneous place. Things like believing people choose to be homosexual or that there is something inherently wrong with a single-mother household. I am waiting for someone to post something about keeping Christ in Christmas on Facebook. I, bitterly, will never forget an exchange between two where the first was describing being in jail for a night, and said, “…and then these four black girls walked in” and the other responded, “oooh, I would be so scared!” It did not shock me because she said it, it shocked me because she would say it in front of me–essentially saying she finds people like me scary, and/or I am not “that kind” of black woman. Wrong, hurtful, and offensive either way.
But I shall not get too much into the crap I witness with regards to race or gender.
All we talk about is school or classmates, which I take as an indication that we would not really keep in touch after graduating. A couple of years ago this would have upset me, but I am fine with that. I am finally coming into my own, finally comfortable with being my own company, finally becoming whole onto myself. I think this is another reason I seem happier lately.
All I know for sure right now is that having a few weeks off in between semesters is definitely not enough of a break.
Next semester is intimidating to me right now. I will be taking a course about laboratory procedures for medical assistants, a course about electrocardiography, pharmacology (for MAs; doubtful it is as intensive as it would be, say, for research, physicians, or nurses), anatomy & physiology, and medical insurance. I think the didactic portions will be much more of a challenge for me. I hope the lab course will be cool, in that I think it might excite the parts of me that gets excited by science…even though I am not looking forward to doing fecal occult tests. But if I survive that, everything after will feel like a breeze. I would not worry until it is time to find a job.
As I think about the next year, I also think about how I want to change myself besides being in school. I dislike new year’s resolutions, probably because it is one of the few ways I can feel so much cooler than everyone else. I guess I am starting early and calling it “necessary changes” rather than using that R-word.
I want to eat healthier and go to the gym more, like just about everyone else out there. I need to get back into reading for pleasure. I should get back into writing. I want to clear my skin up and whiten my teeth.
I want to learn how to be assertive without coming across as being selfish or bossy. I want to either take up making jewelry again, or I want to take up crocheting or knitting. I want to organise myself and stay organised. I want to meditate often.
I want to keep the dream of spending a month overseas. I want to find a white wine and a couple of beers I enjoy.
I want to end the year feeling awesome and accomplished.